My Depression Experience

I remember....a true story, by Sheena Denscombe

I remember being in a place where it was so DARK, I feared to sleep.
I remember when I was in a place that I was afraid of my own thoughts.
I remember when I struggled to see happiness.
I remember when I wanted to talk about my fears and was shunned for not being positive.
I remember being told to snap out of it and think positive.
I remember being afraid to tell people my true feelings of fear, darkness, and despair because I wanted to portray a vision of happiness, which I was taught.
I remember looking in the mirror in anxiety and despair and seeing this person who I did not know who I was.

I remember the day I drove to a hospital because I thought I was having a heart attack and being told it was in my head.  Then I thought, but why do I hurt so much.
I remember feeling so alone.
I remember people telling me it will get better and not being able to see past today.
I remember the day I went to my first psychologist appointment for therapy.
I remember the day I was told to meditate and be with my thoughts.
I remember the sheer FEAR of being with my own thoughts.
I remember the day I went on antidepressants to help get through this difficult time.
I remember the days when I walked for 5 hours without a destination.
I remember the days when I cried uncontrollably and didn't know why.
I remember the day I walked to Kevin's work (3 hours) and sat in the car waiting for him.

I remember being afraid of the dark.
I remember the sleepless nights.
I remember the day I was afraid of being by myself.
I remember the day I felt dead inside.
I remember the days Kevin would just drive me around to look at the trees and the mountains to distract me.
I remember my post-it notes on our bathroom mirror to remind myself why I was alive.
I remember thinking that no one loved me, even though I was filled to the brim with love.
I remember having to focus on one thing.....Kevin loved me and I didn't know what I felt.
I remember going to the mountains and seeing nothing except fear.

I remember the day I yearned to feel the excitement of butterflies in my tummy - love, excitement, joy.
I remember each day of those long three years.
I remember the day I decided to take control.

I remember the day the day I started to move.
I remember the day I saw the light.
I remember the day I lowered my dose of medication.
I remember the day I was off my medication
I remember the day I felt the butterflies.
I remember the day I fell in love with Kevin, again.
I remember the day I felt excited to play.
I remember the day I started to smile.
I remember the day I started to love.
I remember the day I started to feel hope.
I remember the day I started to show love.
I remember the day I reclaimed my life.
I remember the day I got out of my head and started living in my heart.
I remember the day my life changed!
I remember the day.......

To all of you who suffer in silence, I want you to know, I remember and there is hope!!!  It is hard work but so worth it in the end.  When things are dark, it feels like an eternity.  When we see light and love, times flies. 

FYI - I went through a depression starting back when I was about 25 or so.  When I was 31ish, it worsened.  I was in the place of darkness around the age of 32 and worked through it until I was about 36.  I remained on medication for 2 years until I started running.  Running then became my therapy.  I was forced to be in my head.  I went off my medication at 38 years old.  I have been off all medication for 16 years. I feel food is my drug, hence weight gain and weight loss.  No hiding my feelings now....when I gain weight, I am dealing with something.  Now you all know my secrets.  No hiding now!  :)  I'm okay though....and now I realize I have a team on my side to help me get to the next wonderful and beautiful phase of my life. 

Love you all!!!